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ACT I: A corner store in small town America. The con artist enters with the easy nonchelence of a man who probably knows how to spell nochalence. Notchalence?
He approaches the counter.
Con artist: What sort of gum do you have.
Shopkeeper: Just the ones on the counter. Peppermint, spearmint, cinnamon…
Con artist: Cinnamon! Who the hell buys cinnamon?
Shopkeeper: People who like the zing but don’t like the coolness of mint.
Con artist: I don’t know, that sounds dodgy to me.
Shopkeeper: That’s nothing, the distributor was pushing liquorice the other week.
Con artist: Liquorice gum?
Shopkeeper: It’s pitch black. Looks like tar.
Con artist: I think I’ll just stick with peppermint.
Shopkeeper: Fine. That’s fifty cents.
Con artist: I’ve only got a fifty dollar note. Is that okay?
Shopkeeper: I suppose. It’s almost closing time anyway. I’ll just have to go to the bank for more change in the morning.
Con artist: Thanks, sorry to be a pain.
Shopkeeper: There you go, $49.50 change.
Con artist: Hang on, I think I’ve got a bunch of change in my bag.
Shopkeeper: That would be better…
Con artist: Man, I’ve got like another fifty bucks here in coins!
Shopkeeper: I only need 50 cents.
Con artist: Ok, well if you give me my fifty bucks back I’ll give you the fifty cents.
Shopkeeper: Here you go.
Con artist: Hang on, why don’t I give you the change back plus all my loose change and you give me a hundred dollar note. Then you have some spare change.
Shopkeeper: I’m not sure that adds up…
Con artist: Oh yeah, you’re right. That only adds up to $99.50.
Shopkeeper: And…
Con artist: …and I need to pay for the gum too so here is another dollar. A hundred dollars in change for the hundred dollar note plus 50 cents for the gum.
Shopkeeper: Let me count that up again.
Con artist: Sure. It’s exactly hundred plus 50 cents.
Shopkeeper: All adds up. Here’s your $100.
Con artist: You can’t be too careful.
The con artist leaves, fifty dollars up on the transaction. The shopkeeper, completely unaware he’s been scammed, closes up for the night.
—–
ACT II: The same shop, the following day. The con artist re-enters.
Con Artist: Hey, can I buy that Barack Obama keyring?
Shopkeeper: Sure, that will be $1.
Con Artist: Here is $10.
Shopkeeper: And $9 change
Con Artist: Wait…I’ve got all these singles I forgot about. Here is ten one dollar notes. Can I swap them for a ten dollar note?
Shopkeeper: Weren’t you in here yesterday with a bunch of change?
Con Artist: Nah, probably thinking of someone else.
Shopkeeper: If you say so.
Con Artist: Better count that.
Shopkeeper: Wait. You’ve give me nine ones and one ten. That is $19 total.
Con Artist: Sorry, here is the $1. Hey, why don’t I give this ten as well and you give me twenty?
Shopkeeper: Ok…
The con artist leaves, this time with a cheeky extra ten dollars.
—
ACT III: The same damn shop. The following day.
Shopkeeper: You again?
Con Artist: Hey can I buy this lighter with a photo of Betty White naked on it.
Shopkeeper: *sigh* Ok, that’ll be $1
Con Artist: I’ve only got $20. By the way, you have nice hair.
Shopkeeper: Thanks.
Con Artist: No problem. Is it real?
Shopkeeper: What?
Con Artist: Is your hair real?
Shopkeeper: What sort of question is that?
Con Artist: Sorry. Can I have my $19?
Shopkeeper: Here you go.
Con Artist: No problem. Sure it’s not horse hair?
Shopkeeper: What? NO!
Con Artist: Ok
Shopkeeper: Get out of my shop.
Con Artist: Hey. I found a $1. Here you go.
Shopkeeper: FINE! GET OUT!
Con Artist: But I gave you $20.
Shopkeeper: Here it is. NOW GET LOST
Con Artist: Thanks.
The con artist leaves with an extra twenty bucks.
Perhaps the shopkeeper has some kind of acquired brain injury?
—
ACT IV: Same shop. Next day.
Con Artist: Hey! How much is this—
Shopkeeper: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SHOP.
Fin
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